An-xie-ty

Hey there,

I am so overwhelmed with emotions this week. People are losing their lives to covid19. The thought of them being someone's father, mother, son or daughter tore me into pieces, really shattered my heart. I ended up bawling my eyes out on the prayer mat accompanied by a moment of silence not sure of what to say because there is just too much on my mind! But I know Allah swt knows my heart, in and out. I believe no one can ever understand me, but Him. I keep on crying even with the smallest of news. 

And now natural disasters are catching up with us. It is truly and completely devastating. Climate change, floods, earthquakes, wildfires, you name it. There's no stopping on this. The earth is dying as the consequences on uncontrollable human activities, even at much higher pace these days. The end is near. You know what scares me the most, what can save me from hellfire? I don't think I have done enough good deeds. I'm perfectly imperfect. I am far from good. 

I think it was 2010 or 2012, where people predicted the "kiamat". I was affected at that time, not sure why tho. But I remembered how scared I was that even sleep scares the hell outta me. Have you ever been in a state of folding your clothes in the living room with the family, out of sudden, you felt the pain in your chest and difficulty breathing, then you perform the wuduk and prayed and cried on the prayer mat because you don't know what is happening to you? And all you can think was death. I've been there. Well, I think it was anxiety attack back then, but of course I never knew it. 

I did read something that says even the signs of ending are in front of them, they don't bother and everyone resumes their businesses until the sun rises in the west, only then people starts to turn for mercy of Allah swt but knows this, He wont be accepting our deeds anymore at the time. I thought back then, how can people are not afraid. How can they resume their lives like nothing happens? That is impossible. I won't be that kind or person! Guess who's talking now?? 

Fast forward, these are the true events, realistically speaking. I'm one of those many people who are still ignorant even the signs are near! My iman keeps on fluctuating and I am truthfully, undeniably afraid.  Sometimes, I dreamt quite a few times on the same situation where it is kiamat and there is tsunami coming, and I was crying to ask for his Mercy but it was too late. I remembered in the dream that I felt that I haven't done much good to be placed in the heaven, that I was scared, helpless but there isn't really much that I could do to fix it when I know my death is near. I remember waking up with tears on my cheeks, really. I used to have the mindset ya Allah please take my life at the time where I am increasing with iman bcs I'm scared that He will take my life away when I am filled with sins. And right now, I am scared because I am not ready. I certainly haven't done enough with good deeds. Sometimes I'm in the right track but most of the times, I am swayed, left astray only to find myself on the track again. Hence, the cycle keeps repeating, again and again. 

O' Allah swt, fill my heart with kindness and compassion, surround me with those who remind me of You, who elevate my iman and will hold my hand all the way to Jannah, amin ya robbal alamin.