Maturity

Remember that I wrote about my friend a while ago? 

Yes, I attended his wedding this year. My instagram's DM was bombarded with replies once I uploaded the picture! Gosh....

The most interesting question that had been popping up from my friend was "How are you feeling, are you okay?". And my reply was "I'm okay, never been better."

and I wasn't lying...

The truth is I have always prayed to Allah swt that any guys that I once had something going on before, got married before me. So, I can finally crossed out the list 😂, it is giving me some sort of assurance that we could actually can never work out. It feels like I always knew, but I just kept on blaming myself for a very long time (np Midnight Rain and Anti Hero - Taylor Swift). F said I hurt people, and I ended up hurting the most. Fair enough! 

One has gotten married, another is getting married, another is engaged (I think). Allah swt is definitely answering my prayers one by one and I can move on in peace knowing it will never meant to be. With that, I find comfort within myself. 

Recently, H asked this to me during dinner, "If I were to go back in time, is there anyone that I wish to make things right with?". A name popped up from my mind. And i kinda found myself thinking and reflecting on it on the way back home. Then, I texted her again "hm I guess probably no one". No matter how much I blame myself for pushing these people away, I have always had my reasons. One was definitely ticking off all my boxes, but different religion. One was so nice but I always felt like I was a rebound or there was something about him that I didn't feel reassured enough, or the one that I left because I was learning more about Islam that relationship just felt off at the moment. It has been so long that I was being hard on myself for inflicting pain on others that I nearly forgot, what causes me to make that choice. There had always been a reason. I remember making a pact to myself in 2019, "this is the last time D. You need to heal that commitment issue of yours before you let anyone in again". And that's what I have done for my past 5 years; focusing on healing and improving myself. Certainly not saying that I'm ready for a relationship now, but I certainly have improved myself in certain ways, especially at communicating my feelings. 

The most intriguing part is that none of this could happen if I didn't meet these people. I always have a firm belief that everyone that comes into my life brings either a blessing or a lesson. They will always serve their purposes. Like one taught me how to communicate better, one showed me that whoever interested in you will always make time for you, and other things like treating people that you care with love and kindness. 

I guess that is just how I see things. Lucky for me, to meet people with a good intention and attitude. But, its just that mental health got in the way. I think when I pushed people away, I expected them to come back. But now I figured it was so selfish of me to expect that from someone. Everyone has their demons inside but it will be never one's responsibility to fix us rather than ourselves, isn't it? As I looked back, they did right and I did what needed to be done. 

Thus, I have no place for remorse or other negative things. I love this phrase that I saw recently,

"We were on the same team then and we are on the same team now, just headed for different directions".

And that shall be it. Our story ends here but our memories remain. I am no longer waiting for someone to save me because I already have the capability to save myself.