Like My Father - Jax #nowplaying

Assalamualaikum and hi Abah sayang, 

I don't know how to start. Maybe with tomorrow, 13 March 2023 would be 13 years of you leaving us? To do some maths, I had lived with you for 13 years, and without you, for 13 years... There are just too many things I wanna say to you... Alhamdulillah, we are fine. We miss you. I miss you like crazy. People say time heals everything, but the truth is, it won't. Years went by, I have been holding on to the flashes of memories of you, some are vivid and some are hazy. But one thing for sure, I remember you as my loving father till your last breath. 

It was 12th of March 2010, you and Mak came back home late. I slept with Adik in my room. It was early in the morning maybe 5 or 6 am, Mak barged in my room, uttering things that I couldn't understand, seeing her panicked face, heard her saying Abah and pointed to your room. I was puzzled, perplexed, you name it. I went to the room, Abah. You peed, you were unconscious, certainly not moving with the face down on the bed. That was weird. The neighbours came, there were a lot of people. I went out from the room, I saw Mak kept on going back and forth finding kain batik and stuffs. Came back to the room, there were about three people surrounding you Abah and they turned your body to the normal position with body facing front. I can't remember which one came first, the glances those people exchanged after the look of you or the last time I saw you taking few deep breaths before it went silent and I didn't see any movement afterwards. Maybe that time, deep know I knew what happened, but my brain could not process it because you were healthy and we just talked yesterday. I rushed out from the room because I couldn't believe my eyes. It was like a dream. Except that, I cannot wake myself up from this bad dream. 

After a while, the paramedics came. Mak, Adik and I were in my room. My neighbour came breaking the news to us, Mak fell down on her knees, sobbing, Then someone hugged and whispered to me, "Na, Abah Na dah takdak". My mind went blank. I couldn't feel the ground, I felt like I was floating, drowning and grasping for air, all at the same time. It was such a cold and dark place. 

I called some of my siblings, breaking the news to them. One of them was in Dublin, Ireland. Mak said don't call him. I was against that. Whilst everyone was busy, I called and told him. I am glad that I did. Because how painful the truth was, he deserved to know. I remembered not being able to speak up, I was just sobbing before I had the courage to say our beloved Abah had passed away. 

Maybe because I came from the family of not good at expressing feelings, everything just got bottled up pretty bad. As someone who is always overwhelmed with emotions but I had to suppress them because I don't want Mak to be sad, it was really hard. I gave up on my plan to go to the boarding school when I wanted it the most. For months, I kept on crying in the bathroom, behind the closed doors, before I went to bed, literally everywhere where no one can see me and I made sure that I didn't make any sound. Tough year, tough life. Since that, I always made sure I can see the chest movement of someone when sleeping especially Mak. I guess it's just a trauma response for me. 

I am grateful for my friends in high school. I was too sensitive, and tell u what, they were really tough breedsss. So, over time, I learnt from them. Still sensitive, but way much stronger. And now when I see the soft type of people, I am reminded by a lil piece of myself. The old me would cry even with the word stupid, when it was merely a joke my friend made. What a joke, Diyana hahah. Now, I can make people cry hehe just kidding!

Abah,

I always remember you as a cool dad. I always feel that we can get along well and I could talk about everything with you. I could even argue with you like I always argued with Mak. Or maybe we will team up together against Mak hehe. You know when they say daughters are daddy's weaknesses, I want to experience that, to be able to make you agree and give in with me, that would be a pure bliss. Worry not, these are just random thoughts. I hope we'll meet again in the heaven.

I remember you taught me on how to ride my first bicycle, you picked me up from the tuition center with your Yamaha. The happiness I felt the last time you came to pick me up at high school with your blue jeans. The yearly vacation that you brought us and the essays that I needed to write afterwards. The time when you made me Milo when I was studying for my UPSR. The way you complimented me when I cleaned the house. The birthday celebration that we had every year with a Fairy sponge cake on "meja jepun" that we have till now. The calm melody of you reciting the Quran every subuh, the fight that you had with Mak usually because of cigarettes then you turned to us asking for support hahah. Not to forget, the time I got scolded in the car for not getting number 1, you said I played around so much heh! Well, that was kinda hurtful, but yeah not everything was perfect right... You were kinda strict with my academics that I cannot skip my tuition class at all. I remember I was so mad that I wrote a letter because I really wanted to attend Haifa's birthday and you insisted that I cannot skip the tuition class heh! You should see me now, of how many birthdays I went to, places I visited and the hanging-out thingy I had with my friends hehe😋(even Mak redha with me now hahah). There was also one time, just once in my life that you hit me with a cane, I couldn't remember the details but the next morning you saw the scar (it was a just lil bit red), and you cried saying sorry (it was the first time I saw you crying tho) next to me then you gave me some money 😂. I think I craved for attention that it went to the wrong way my bad lol. These are only bits of the many memories I had with you. I remember a lot more, and I am scared of forgetting them because as I grow older, memories becoming more vague to me. But I am certain that we have so many good memories that I am gonna cherish forever. You are the best father that I ever had, and there ain't no way someone can replace you in my heart. 

I love you so much and I miss you Abah. 

13.03.2010 - 13.03.2023