Love

 

Hey there, it has been a while isn't it?

So, today is Thursday, 18th of August 2022 @ 12.55 pm. 

The truth is, I did not check on my blog for a very longgg time and I just re-read what I had written before (probabaly updating a bit on my current life, I guess? Wouldn't be too boring, perhaps?).

Surprise surprise, I got Covid-19 last March! But that was in the past lol. Actually, I just recovered (again) from sore throat and flu, I mean, it just started with ulcers in my mouth daaa??!! Honestly, I cannot afford to get sick now. The good news is, because of that, I have started taking medications yada yadaaa. I always hated the idea of taking pills whatsoever because I pretty much don't have the physical and psychological capability of swallowing them hehehe (pretty much run in the family) so I covered with what most common people would say 'I trust my immune system to response well towards any pathogens outside" *drumrolls* (But yeah my immune system seems to be lacking now and I need faster recovery, thus medication is the first that came in line, so they have my utmost respect now, thanks to our advanced medical research and pharmaceutical companies that gain 💸🤑 :P). 

Remember when I said I like to keep things to myself? Guess what, now you'd see me to do most of the talking? I guess that is what self-love did to you? Not saying that I'm happy 24/7, but I feel like I'm way much better right now. I did ask my friends, "I talk too much now, isn't it?". Basically they all replied the same "You are always like this." Huh? Pardon me? Why am I feeling different. So I thought to myself maybe it's the way I think and perceive things are different because my friends wouldn't know what is going on in my mind, right? Before, I probably be thinking in my head like a friggin' maze before I say something, but now I just say things that I wanna say without filtering so much in my head LOL. I also speak up more about my feelings rather than holding everything back, then I realize probably because it doesn't take much space in my head anymore hence, the ability to express them through words somehow feels less burdening. LOL again

Another thing, I replied to people's texts damn fast now! That one, my friends couldn't agree more. I used to reply people sometimes up to one week because I didn't have the mental capacity to do so! I felt like just to reply someone's text, it drains my energy so much that I ended up not replying at all. But now, I literally replied so fast especially when I'm on my phone. I also be like "Hey, wanna grab lunch together?" or if someone asks, "Wanna lunch?" then I'll be replying in a split second "Okay! (if I'm available)". It is funny tho. I used to be the person who like overthinking things even when my close friends asked me out because on my mind there would be like "What I'm gonna wear, what I'm supposed to say, what if I'm boring, what if I'm just gonna ruin the mood because I don't have anything to say, I'm definitely a boring person, this all will get fucked up". These thoughts are devastatingly draining and tiring. I realize now I'm not actually a boring person, I mean, I'm just me (funny what?) hahah but the point is, it's just I feel like I'm just being myself now, so if you wanna stay, then stay, if wanna leave, then leave (I guess I'm an 'okay' friend because my probability of me still being friends with kindergarten, primary school, secondary school, foundation, degree friends are relatively high, I supposed... herher). I love everyone, regardless. 

Also, I met up again with people that I didn't mean to break their hearts before. Pretty much, I explained things about what I had went through, and I'm glad they are okay with it. In fact, we actually laughed it out remembering the moments we had before! Who would have thought? I ended up saying I really didn't mean to hurt anyone, but I needed to make that decision to find myself again. I think back, it was really the best decision of my life, I can see the outcomes now. I needed to lose you to love me - Selene Gomez. Life is a drama, not that I'm a drama queen, fingers crossed 😋.

Bottomline is that, as harder as it is for me to admit it, I once struggled with insecurities and self-love, I felt I was unworthy to be loved and I found it weird for people to like me, be it friends, someone special, a family, you name it. Due to that, I restrained myself so much from expressing myself, and that is how my mental health was declining to the point that I felt like I was drowning in the pool of misery, being powerless and worthless. I realized it now, its true when they say "It takes a long time to realize how truly miserable you are. And even longer to see that it doesn't have to be that way. Only after you give up everything, can you begin to find a way to be happy". 

I'm happy with the person I am right now, and I really wish to share this with everyone who feels unworthy, that this too shall pass. Shoutout to the souls that are healing themselves, but haven't been able to do so. Take baby steps, one at a time. You can do this! Bear in mind that one day, you'll look back and be proud of the person you have become. Sending love and hugs. I would say having a circle that supports your growth and give emotional support when necessary is crucial to your well being. No matter how emotionally independent you are, having a constant thoughts of you being not good enough at one point, will drive you vulnerable and at loss, that is when you need to have good people around to keep you going and your sanity in check. Sending love and hugs, D.