Crossroads

Dear Diary, 

It's 10.44 pm, 17th of May 2021 and here I am, lying on the bed, thinking, thinking and thinking. You wanna know something, throughout my life, I have always been on hugee crossroads, two opposite sides that are likely to repel with each other! Thinking after thinking, decisions after decisions, life keeps on hustling as the way it should be. Mind you, sometimes I wonder as if I'm making the wrong decision from the start, but I also have faith on what Allah SWT has bestowed me with in this life. Hence, here I am, going along where the river flows to my next destination - although sometimes got swept away gently or rapidly T_T

From a young age, I grew up with a perspective that things will go according to my plan and the roads are there, "terbentang luas" for me. But then after SPM, everything changes. The world doesn't work that way, really! I only had one dream, but that goes away into the thin air, puffff and the pressure from people around me made them worse, I was dragged down to the lowest point of my life. You can be the most courageous, smartest, prettiest and whatnot but if it is not meant to be, there is no way you could have that - well, whatever that you wanted. 

"What is meant for you, will reach you even if it is beneath two mountains,

What isn't meant for you, won't reach you even if it is between your lips."

I learnt it on a a very hard way how life actually works. That feelings you get when it's you against the world and everything came crushing you till you broke into pieces and pieces, leaving you in the most vulnerable state you had ever been, alone. I was such an innocent girl, I always thought losing my dad was the worst but little did I know, the worse it yet to come. Years passed, the pain was still there, but I have learnt to live with the pain. It's practically residing within me, on every cells of my mere self existence, how can I forget them? I felt powerless, my self-esteem went down, I was actually losing my self. Nevertheless, those pain changed me for what I am now, and I am proud of that. 

Most of the people around me would say I'm an independent, looking confident and smart. But honestly I don't know where were all those coming from. What I know is that the trials inflicted upon me made me as someone who accept things accordingly even when things didn't go as I planned (read: redha). I'm at the stage where I plan, He plans, and He is indeed the best of planners. I believe in rezeki as well as Qada & Qadar-Nya. But along the way, sometimes I feel like I don't even know myself anymore. I'm also scared with all the high expectations that people have on me. Because, I'm not sure if I ever deserve that. Because, I have changed.

Oo yeah, during that darkest moment of my life, my brother said something to me that I have hold it like forever. "Whatever the circumstances are, you are in charge of yourself, you need to decide for yourself BUT you also need to take full responsibility for that actions." Alhamdullilah, till now I'm still holding for that one advice that had kept me going once upon a time. I DECIDE FOR MYSELF. You can give me lots of advices, I will generously take them and think but worry not, at the end of day, I will decide mine.

I've always been the kind that keep everything to herself. Now, I've seen it taking a toll on me. I would prefer to be alone, because I don't think people can bear with my thoughts and emotions. I have been pushing everyone away my whole life. I did not feel good doing that but I always had this thought they would be better off without me because I am just broken and I'm not sure if I can be fixed, and I don't wanna drag them down with me.

I also would say I'm highly empathetic as I've always put myself in others' shoes. With that being said, I had never hated anyone throughout my life, even they hurt me because I always had this mindset, to be understanding as I try to understand their situation (actual notes: I think this is due to me reading so many novels during schools, making me able to see things from different perspective kahkah). But with guys, I can be the most cruelest person on their eyes, where part of me was just being scared of attachment when I actually do have feelings for them. Told ya, I'm not normal that's why I am better off alone. Or maybe I just didn't love myself enough. Well, right now, I'm trying to love myself with every bit of my feelings. Such a creep, I am :P

Till next time, future self! You still need to plan your labwork and find primers for your qPCR tooodless...